The Importance of Saying Things

There are some creeds that help me make decisions in life. I have them listed, and in case I'm wavering, keep them in my purse and a copy in my journal. On the list, and frequently referenced, is to never assume more than a man clearly states. Josh Harris in his sermon, "Courtship Smourtship" adds "to you, in English!" A realization came a few years ago that this doesn't just mean we girls shouldn't go overboard in assuming a man likes us because we analyzed his every word and deed to death. (See quote at bottom of my webpage.) This policy also keeps me from assuming a man thinks I'm a nobody. No assumptions goes both ways.

Since I'm trying to be just and content and focused, it then becomes incumbent upon men to speak the truth, and to communicate clearly if they want me to know something. This conduct was part of being a gentleman back when being a gentleman was taught to young boys. So it seems safe to assume that most gentleladies are trying not to assume (or at least act on assumptions; our imaginations are sometimes more rapid than our wills can check), and most gentlemen are trying to communicate.

I've known several young men who had what I call the Aragorn syndrome. They never actually told me their motives, so I am, I suppose, breaking my rule by assuming they were not intentionally misleading girls about their affections. Let me describe. A good-looking young man with a good heart finds himself the object of forward fondness from a young woman (maybe more than one). He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, doesn't even realize how serious her hints are, so he tolerates it. He doesn't encourage or discourage. Or he does try to discourage her, but she doesn't get it because he doesn't say it. Aragorn had this problem with Eowyn. His fiance was back in Rivendell, but here was this girl who was pretty and fascinating and attracted to him. Yet he took until she begged to go with him from Dunharrow to tell her that he didn't like her in that way. When he finally does tell her, I'm cheering (because it's the right thing and because if she didn't give up on him, she would never find Faramir!).

Then there is Charlie Sloan (I think that is the character's name in Anne of Green Gables) who tells Anne through his sister that he likes her. I think he even proposes. Believe it or not, Anne wasn't interested. In fact, I think his was the first of many proposals she declined. While this is again an example from fiction, the lesson is real. I know people who have been told by a friend that another friend is interested in them. In my opinion, this either shows carelessness in exposing the friend to gossip, or cowardice for abusing the convenience of a friend as messenger.

Finally, back to my initial point, we can look at Mr. Elton in Emma. If he had behaved like a gentleman, Emma, Harriet, even Robert Martin could have been spared pain and embarrassment. When Mr. Elton was attached to Emma, he should have made his intentions known to her father. With her father's permission to proceed, he needed to tell Emma. With her permission, then he could make those bold implications which so confused Emma without such a confession. Of course if permission was denied, this did not mean he should go right ahead displaying his preference. The result of Mr. Elton's ungentlemanly conduct is that Emma interpreted his praises and comments as directed to her friend, Harriet. Note that not only was this misunderstanding inconvenient; it didn't work out for Mr. Elton either.

I don't believe ladies should initiate conversations on these matters, but that is one of man's roles. A lady's opportunity is to accept or decline. It is only fair, much more simple and honest, to give her that chance - to respect her enough to trust her with a decision. I do not advise spilling one's heart at the first moment. However, take no steps without communication. Protect girls' hearts in this way.

And girls, let your hearts be protected. Never assume more than a man clearly states. Do not impose on your friends expectations derived from your analyzations.

Treat everyone with brotherly love. Put others first. Walk circumspectly. This talk of accepting, declining, stating, and assuming doesn't only apply to relationships. This also means no assumptions about what my dad wants for dinner, or whether a TV program is ok, or what a man's theology is. Don't give or take the easy way out. Force interaction by refusing to guess.

To God be all glory.